When You’re Blending Two Families Into One
What is a Blended Family?
Some of you may have come to this page because you are considering remarrying, others thinking about moving in with a partner and their family, others may be facing the aftermath of that decision, whereas others still may not even realize that there is a term to describe the unique challenges that your family faces.
A blended family takes on many shapes and sizes: not only is it when you and your partner choose to join your families with children from one or both of your previous relationships, but it is also when you choose to have children together. Blending together two families can be an extremely fertile breeding ground for all sorts of difficulties, and certainly represents a time of uncertainty as this new territory is observed and explored.
Adjusting to Multiple Changes at Once
Age Differences
Birth Order
Changes in Family Relationships
Changes in Family Traditions
Competing Attentions
Coping with Complicated Schedules
Custody/Legal Battles
Difficulty Accepting New Parent
Family Culture Differences
Favoritism
New Routines and Rituals
Parental Inexperience
Parental Insecurities
Parenting Style Preferences
Setting Boundaries and Limits
Shared Custody
Sibling Rivalry
Step-parent Relationships and Discipline
Unresolved Grief
Challenges Facing Blended Families.
Two Families, One Roof.
One of the most difficult aspects of “traditional” blended families, where each partner has their own set of children from previous relationships, is that often they enter the new family each with their own way of doing things that is routine and comfortable for them. It is important in order for the family to feel united as one that the leaders of the family take the time to agree upon consistent guidelines about chores, discipline, and rules of the house, and demonstrate their intent to deal with issues in a similar and fair way.
When you present as a united front and explain that there will be changes that will take adjustment for everyone, you’ll make for a smoother transition. At the very least, establishing an initial family meeting will help everyone to feel heard and be on the same page about what is expected.
Honoring the Old, and Making Room for the New.
In the same way that family structure and rules has the potential to be a difficult to challenge to overcome, so too is the decision about how annual events are spent. Often times, families develop traditions about yearly events like holidays, birthdays and family vacations, and do not easily adapt to the idea of going along with someone else’s ideas.
It is important to make room for many of the most important traditions from each family as a way to honor the past and help the kids feel a sense of normalcy, however new traditions are also needed in order to celebrate the creation of the new family. Establishing new weekly family traditions or rituals can be great bonding opportunities, in the same way that creating extra-special ways of celebrating a birthday can be a positive experience for them to look forward to.
Helping Children Adjust.
Again, the addition of a new step-parent or step-siblings is likely to be a difficult time no matter the age of the child.
However, your children’s age and gender does often play out differently in how they adjust to the new normal. The needs and developmental level of your four year old daughter is vastly different than those of your 14-year-old son. However, just as the expression of those needs is different, and your teen may initially reject your love and affection, doesn’t mean that he doesn’t ultimately want it.
Throughout the entire adjustment phase, your goal is to simply build trust and establish yourself as open and willing to form a connection.
Take your cues from each child.
As age and gender undoubtedly affects how your child acts towards their new step-parent, so too will their varied personalities require different approaches. When you consider their needs and how you can actually be helpful to them, you’ll increase your chances of creating a successful bond. Each child may require that you go at a different pace in order to get to know them. Know that this is okay, and given enough patience, respect, and interest, they will eventually give you a chance.
This process may be aided when the children are able to have easy and reliable access to their natural parent, and they are able to spend quality time with them, if only for a little bit each day. This also communicates to them that with your addition to the family, that they still remain a priority.
Insist on Respect
It should be the number one rule in your family that each member is to respect one another. This includes the children’s behavior towards the adults and one another, as well as the adult’s attitudes towards the kids. It can be repeated as something like a mantra that they are not required to like one another, but that they are each to be treated with respect.
Make sure that you model this yourself by respecting the ideas, opinions, and personal space of each family member. Remember to be kind, in that many are simply doing the best that they can throughout what can be an incredibly difficult transition and adjustment period, especially as it may involve moving, changing schools, and navigating new family relationships.
Teach and reward flexibility
It will be important to normalize the fact that members of your family are at different stages and have different needs, and to require that family members understand and honor these differences. Especially as some children may have relationships with a parent that require time-share arrangements, and family events may become difficult to plan, it is important that we recognize that this can be taxing on the children, and yet model that this is part of creating a new family together.
The one constant in this stage of life is that there are many changes that will require constant adaptation. Encourage your children to be flexible and praise them for doing so.
The Couple Relationship.
When things are going well, it may be easy to want to move quickly in a new relationship and move in together. However, when children are involved, it’s important to consider that time in the first months together is often more consumed by ensuring that the children have a successful transition, rather than to focus on one another.
If this strong bond is established well prior to joining the family, and each agrees on parenting strategies and structure at the outset, it will help to save the entire system from a future breakdown. Make sure to both set aside time for one another to keep your connection alive and thriving, as well as make an agreement to present as a unified team in front of the children.
“Family isn’t defined only by last names or by blood; it’s defined by commitment and by love.”
-Dave Willis
Questions You Might Have About Life Transitions
Is it okay that my child is having a hard time adjusting?
Does that mean I made a selfish choice?
Of course your child is having a hard time adjusting! The addition of a new step-parent or step-siblings is a huge transitional moment in their life. Of course, this is also why it’s important to take it slow and to decide ahead of time with your partner how you will choose to handle many of the challenges as they arise. However, know that with time and patience, they will learn to accept their new reality.
How should I handle discipline?
This is a great question, and important to make sure that you and your partner are on the same page. Initially, it may be best to let the natural parent handle, or at least weigh in on the consequences given until the step-parent has developed a more solid bond with the children and is viewed and treated with respect as a family member.
Ensure however that major rules and boundaries throughout the household are consistent, understood by each child, and enforced by each parent.
How does parental remarriage impact the family’s mental health?
Of course we know that times of adjustment are difficult for both parents and children alike, and it is important to be kind to yourself and your children alike as you each make the necessary adjustments.
As an added challenge, when a parent has died, it is possible that the remarriage of the remaining parent may trigger an unfinished grieving process in children. They may need space and reassurance that their parent will not be forgotten, and above all, will likely need some time to grieve.
Finally, as much of this page has focused on the needs of the child, when considering the mental health of the family, it is important also to consider the needs of the parents. Many studies have shown that parents newly taking on the step-parent role (as their first parenting title, or in addition to being a parent to their own children) are actually at higher risk for depression, as it often feels as though there are less-defined paths forward for them.
How can counseling help with Blended Families?
There is no getting around the face that divorce, remarriage, and all the challenges that go with it represent a huge period of adjustment for your child (and for you as well, for that matter). There is no way to do it “perfectly” as it’s likely to create stress in one way or another.
However, in speaking with a counselor, and being intentional about the way that you approach the blending of the two families, you are able to develop and encourage resilience in your children.
Counseling can be the initial training ground where family members learn to communicate with each other. Regular sessions, especially initially, provides a space and an opportunity for the the family to learn and use these important skills without allowing tension and resentment to build up.
Tips For Successfully Blending Your Family
Create Clear Boundaries.
In the creation of one family from what was once two distinct entities, compromising on differences in parenting and lifestyle can feel like crossing the Grand Canyon. However, when you as the parents are able to agree and communicate respect, love, and admiration for one another despite differences, you will communicate stability and inspire the children to do the same.
In the same vein of wanting to treat everyone the same, it is incredibly important that this is applied to your biological children as well. Don’t make the mistake of attempting to overcompensate for any perceived favoritism by giving your children the short end of the stick every time.
Communicate Often & Openly.
It cannot be said enough how important it is to ensure that there are open lines of communication throughout the entire process (and to be honest, well after).
For your family it might look like having regular Sunday night dinners where you catch up on the week passed and plan for the week ahead. It might be holding a monthly family meeting, or happen when you’re praying together before bed. No matter the time, it’s important to keep checking in about how your children feel about the changes to your family, and equally important to also check-in with yourself.
“Becoming a blended family means mixing, scrambling, and sometimes muddling our way through delicate family issues, complicated relationships, and individual differences, hurts, and fears. But through it all, we are learning to love like a family.”
Talk to a counselor.
If there are challenges that arise that appear to stem from complicated blended family situations, it’s important to recognize once you’ve hit your limits about what you can handle on your own. There is no shame in seeking the extra support of a therapist or counselor and often, when your children have reached adolescence, it might be an important step in order to help them open up.
Reach out today and schedule an appointment. You do not have to navigate this difficulty alone!
Contact Us Today.
Whether you’re considering remarriage, moving in with your special someone & their family, or facing the challenges that have arisen from that choice, our team is here to help.
No matter the stage of your transition, it can be helpful to have a supportive third party person to help navigate the changes that seem to go hand in hand with blended families. We’ve helped countless families to find their new normal, and we can help you too.