When Parenting Has Become Difficult
What are some parenting challenges to expect?
For many people, becoming a parent is the joy of their lives. They feel a sense of awe and wonder when their little one makes its way into the world. However, this moment is often idealized and so often we forget that in the next moment what washes over us is the incredibly large burden of responsibility that this child is looking to us for guidance and direction, to meet its basic needs, and to help it make its way in the world.
To consider that there may be a time in your child’s life that you might not benefit from some outside support is a laughable idea, as it truly ‘takes a village’ to raise them up well.
Concerns relating to:
Academic Performance
ADHD
Anxiety/ Depression
Autism
Behavioral Issues
Co-Parenting
Death/ Loss
Disability
Divorce/ Remarriage
Emotional Concerns
Empty Nest
Foster Care
Health Concerns
Moodiness/ Irritability
Moving
Pregnancy
Postpartum Depression
Self Injury/ Suicidality
Separation Anxiety (Yours or theirs)
Significant Breakups
Parenting Throughout The Life Span.
New Parents.
As a first time parent (or second, or third, or when becoming a new parent again after your eldest has entered their teen years) it is normal to feel anxious about bringing a child into the world. It is equal parts exciting and terrifying.
Much of the task of this age is learning the basic mechanics of raising a newborn: feed, sleep, bathe, soothe, repeat. In addition to this, It’s also important to learn how to soothe yourself, your own anxiety and fears about the life you’ve created.
Parents may need support beginning in pregnancy, through the postpartum stage and into toddlerhood.
Parents of School-Age Children.
Whew. You made it through the terrible twos and tantruming threes and you’re getting ready to send them off to their first day of school. While your job has become a bit easier due to their ability to speak and exhibit self-control, in many ways the job is just beginning.
It is during these early school years that your children will begin to test their limits- academically, athletically, socially- and your job will be to guide them through it all. The temptations here are in not holding back, by rushing in to fix it, to save the day. When we do this, we get in the way of our children developing valuable skills in problem-solving, learning their own sense of capability and self-confidence.
Parents of Adolescents.
Becoming a parent of a teenager happens sooner than you’d think, and probably a lot sooner than you’d like. You’ll likely wonder what happened to your sweet child, and long for the days when they still believed that you had all the answers.
We’ll break up this stage into 3 sub-groups:
The Tweens (10-12)
Early Teenager (13-15)
Full-Blown Teenager (16-18)
The Tweens.
The Middle School years are a time of huge transformation in our kids' lives. They’re filled with ups and downs, where they’re navigating relationships with friends like never before, and facing a new level of academic rigor. Parents who work to control their child's blossoming independence through power instead of relationship invite rebellion, or even worse, deception, and set the stage for more trying years to come.
The Early Teens.
The transition into the actual teen years is where things get even more tricky. Likely this is due to our growing impatience with bad behavior, and our teen’s insistence on their own power and independence. Teens at this stage of life are convinced of their own thoughts, opinions and beliefs, demand respect, and are often unwilling to take direct instruction without proper motivation.
This potential is great for a daily struggle for power between parent and teen. However, if we can maintain control over our reactions, extend respect, offer increments of freedom according to trust earned, and maintain an ongoing conversation with our teen about more than academics or the need to clean their room, we might just survive this stage.
The Full-Blown Teenager
In the final years as a teenager while they still live in your house, things will absolutely change. Especially if your teen is following in the footsteps of traditional milestones, these years may contain your teen’s first job, a learner’s permit & driver’s license, and an overall shift towards peer influences rather than parental approval.
At this stage, the most effective parenting strategy is to move away from punishments and focus on the relationship. This is your best chance to still be able to influence them & become their trusted advisor rather than adversary.
Empty Nest & Beyond.
The transition to parenting an adult and their eventual flight from the nest can be a difficult one to manage, especially if you have allowed your identity to become wrapped in whatever they’re up to.
This is a time of rediscovery for yourself and your relationship, and requires renegotiating the rules of parenting once more.
“It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men.”
–Frederick Douglass
Questions You Might Have About Parenting Difficulties
Is it okay that I’m having a hard time parenting?
Parenting is one of the most difficult jobs on the planet. It makes sense that you’re having a hard time, or may need a little support from time to time.
This doesn’t mean that “you’ve failed” or that you won’t ever be capable of making good parenting decisions, what it means is that you care, and that you want to ensure that you’re acting in ways that are ultimately going to be helpful to your son or daughter.
What if I make a mistake, and I mess up my kid?
Mistakes will happen! It’s better that we get that out of the way now so you have time to let it sink in and process.
It is not as much about the mistakes you have made, but rather how you come back from them. Taking the time to apologize to your kids shows them that you value and respect their feelings, and are holding yourself to the same standard that you might ask of them. Kids are incredibly resilient in the face of small errors, do them a favor and let yourself off the hook.
How does becoming a parent impact our mental health?
Being and becoming a parent is perhaps one of the most difficult things many of us will do throughout our lifetimes. This is because it is not a skill that can be mastered and moved on from -it is a process that is constantly changing, growing in complexity, and demands that we adapt.
For all of these reasons, and because in becoming a parent we are tasked with the huge responsibility to teach, train, and nurture our little ones into becoming full-fledged adults of their own, this role can take a huge toll on our mental health.
In addition to the increased anxiety about ensuring that your children are safe, fears that we are not doing enough, or not doing well enough can lead to a sense of depression as well as a whole host of other concerns. Many times it is wise to seek counsel, if only to check in and receive assurance that you are walking in the right direction.
How can counseling help with the challenges of parenting?
Participating in counseling offers you the opportunity to work with a licensed professional who is especially trained to help you navigate the challenges that are inherently present in parenting.
No matter your stage of life or specific challenge that you may be facing, speaking with a therapist can help you to discover the root of the problem, and illuminate a path forward.
Even if you don’t have the opportunity to participate in family counseling, working one-on-one with a therapist, or together with your partner can help you to become clear about approaches that will work best with your child and allow you to seek feedback about what hasn’t worked thus far.
It can also help you to get on the same page as your teen or coparent.
Quick Tips For Managing Stressful Moments in Parenting
Establish Expectations and Set Limits.
This piece of advice cannot be said enough: children, young and old, need to know what is expected of them as they move throughout the world. A lack of limits and expectations is typically what leads to behavioral concerns that we start seeing in school age and carries through to adolescence.
Even if you fear it will make you unpopular, children crave structure and routine, as this is what helps them to learn to regulate themselves. This is what is considered proactive parenting rather than reactive. This is what clues them in to what they’re supposed to be doing.
Follow Through & Stay Consistent.
No parent likes the role of being the mean, rule-enforcer. Many of us would prefer if the role of parent stayed the way it was when they were young: when hungry, we feed; when dirty, we bathe; when upset, we soothe.
However, this avoidant approach carried into later childhood creates a child who never learns to do this for themselves and never learns to respect the word of their parent. This is the mistake of believing that the key to respect is through enabling & bribery, rather than through consistency, follow-through, and meaning what you say.
“Affirming words from moms and dads are like light switches. Speak a word of affirmation at the right moment in a child’s life and it’s like lighting up a whole roomful of possibilities.”
Be Kind To Yourself.
Mistakes will happen, we know this to be true. Remember that you are only human, and that in how you choose to handle your errors, your child is watching this too. What would you want for him or her if they made a mistake? To give in to the inner critic, or to offer themselves grace and a second shot to do things differently?
Again, parenting is an incredibly difficult job that no one or no thing can quite prepare you for. This is why a quality support system is absolutely necessary. We need each other- and we may also need the support of a professional therapist to help us through. No shame, only kindness.
Contact Us Today.
When you’re in the midst of a parenting challenge, you want to enlist the support of someone who understands, whose been there. Our team has helped countless individuals find relief instead of conflict or anxiety in their experience of being a parent, and we can help you too.