Finding Your Wings

Think back to the process of growing up. Do you remember growing pains? Physiologically, what happens is that as our bodies stretch and grow; our joints become sore. Sometimes we might even tell our parents about that mysterious soreness, and to our surprise they chalk it up to “growing pain”.  

While this may be the first time we experience these “growing pains”, it most certainly will not be the last. 

When we’re children, we cannot wait to grow up and flex the glory of being big. What we often did not realize though was that a requirement for growth, in all areas of life, is discomfort. In fact, in order to grow we must change, and in order to change we must experience the discomfort of taking off the old while putting on the new (while also doing the work to discover what new looks like). 

Mark 2:22 (TPT) And who would pour fresh, new wine into an old wineskin? Eventually the wine will ferment and make the wineskin burst, losing everything-the wine will be spilled and the wineskin ruined. Instead, new wine is always poured into new wineskins.

The Precursor to Change

Imagine, if you will, a butterfly: its beautiful wings, bright with the spectrum and pattern of colors almost indescribable. We glorify and admire that beauty —forgetting that it required change from the unsightly and under-appreciated caterpillar. 

In order to take on its full potential and reflect its beauty on the world, that same butterfly had to struggle its way from its cocoon into condition and strengthen those same wonderful wings to take on flight. 

To grow, we too must confront the awkward, painful experience of change and struggle to wiggle our way out of the old patterns of our lives to accept the new strengthened ways we choose to live. That pain and hardship you are or will experience when taking on the challenge of personal growth comes about because in order to grow we must admit faults, change the status quo of relationships, and confront the pain of our past and while not avoiding the struggles of the present.

Joshua 1:9 (NIV) Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.

Admitting Faults

We must first begin with the root of great change in our lives: our mistakes, our faults.

Fault— such a nasty word, almost bitter on the lips. To say we have faults means surely we must be wrong. And how terrible it feels to be wrong. 

But is it terrible though? Or is it human? 

Human to make mistakes. Human to have fallen short of our values. Human to get it wrong again and yet still allow ourselves the opportunity to look back and decide how our thoughts, priorities, and choices could be reevaluated and pursued differently in the future. 

Romans 3:23 (TPT) for we all have sinned and are in need of the glory of God.

“Fault”, like any other word, comes with a certain connotation. We grow up thinking our faults are what make us wrong, what make us bad. But perhaps in order to genuinely grow in our personhood and character we can learn to view our faults instead as areas of needed change, opportunities to admit where our actions fall shy of our values for ourselves and others. 

When our faults are viewed as opportunities, then to admit your faults you are actually shining a light on yourself—a light that shows you more of who you want to be (and who you do not want to be). 

Growth hurts because it requires shining that light on the faults we try so hard to keep hidden. We keep them hidden because we fear that, when exposed, it will be all others may see in us, or conversely, all we see in ourselves. 

Faults are not simply blemishes to be ignored or covered up. They are more than “evidence of how we fall short”. Faults are opportunities, although difficult ones, but opportunities nonetheless. Admitting your faults will hurt but will also empower you to see the person you want to be and begin making choices to become that person. 

Consider the following questions to shine light on opportunities to change:

Who do I want to be?

What are my vices that often seem to stand in the way?

How consistent are my values with my choices, actions, and words?

Disrupting the Status Quo

As you shine the light on your faults and begin to wiggle in your cocoon and stretch your wings, others will take notice. 

Those who have a vested interest in you as a family member or friend will start to see the changes you are making. Not only will they see those changes in you for the better, they will likely also be affected by them. See, when you change yourself, you also change the way you relate to others-people experience you differently. For some, the changes you make will feel uncomfortable as it may mean they have to change too. 

When you change for the better, it challenges and puts pressure on every relationship in your life. Healthy friends and family will support the changes you make while helping you reflect on the meaning and value of your growth. Conversely, toxic relationships will cause you distress maybe even increasingly so, because those friends or family members who contributed to and relied on you to stay broken will often try to keep you that way. 

If those relationships are worth it, you will face pain and difficulty while standing up for yourself as you change the ways you relate to and with them. You will know those relationships are not worth it when they are simply unwilling to accept and support the changes necessary for your growth. 

Healthy relationships will appreciate your new wings just as they are, and will be willing to do what’s necessary to help you fly.

Proverbs 27:17 (NIV) As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another. 

Ask yourself the following questions to evaluate how your change impacts your relationships:

How are others responding to my growth and/or boundaries?

Who is supportive of my change?

Who is unsupportive?

Confronting Pain

As you shine light on areas of potential growth and renegotiate boundaries in your relationships, you may also find that growth requires also confronting pain in your past and present. 

Adversity in your life is as sure as sunshine and moonlight. We cannot escape it, though we so desperately want to. To look at yourself and decide on change means you also have to look at those parts of yourself and your past that hurt. 

Some liken the face of adversity to a raging river trapped behind a dam. Some fear this process and worry what it will mean to open the floodgates, not knowing how fast or strong the current will be. They wonder what they might find in the depths of the waters, within that pent-up energy, and how it will change the landscape below. 

When you decide upon change and growth, know that this reality is unavoidable.  The truth is that confronting your pain will hurt. Pretending otherwise is unrealistic. 

However, the flood gates do not have to be open all at once, nor should they be. Your pain is your own to confront, in your time, in ways that are healthy and pertinent for your growth. 

Reaching out to a reputable and trustworthy counselor and giving yourself time to build rapport are the first steps in taking control. You may still decide how and when you’ll wade at the water’s edge, where you’ll focus your search, and provide direction in what you might hope to find. 

Ponder the following to understand what pain you need to confront in order to grow:

What pain, memory, person(s), or experiences do I avoid?

What is behind my flood gates?

Who can I trust with my pain?

Ready for Flight

Another way to look at your pain is to remember the butterfly’s cocoon. At first the cocoon protects the caterpillar as it grows. However, it also becomes painful and constrictive as the transformation happens. To reach its full potential, this formerly-painful part of the butterfly’s past is shed to allow room for it to fly. 

As you choose to change, you will at first feel the discomfort of shedding the past narratives that have defined and constricted you for so long. Fear not—that discomfort, like the cocoon, will fade as you take steps to grow into the person you want to be. 

As the butterfly does not look back on its cocoon with disgust for the chains that once held it, so too do we need to practice looking back on our past experiences, even missteps, with gratitude. A time of difficulty, a tense or toxic relationship, or a lack of clarity about what’s next --these are all moments of reflection, of transition, rife with new possibilities. We can be grateful to these moments for supplying us with the right conditions for growth to be possible. 

Reflection, decision, grace, and acceptance can all be harnessed to help with discomfort of growth. 

Reflect on the past, 

Give grace for experience and pain, 

Accept who you are and who you want to be, 

Decide how to take steps forward. 

As you consider these awkward, uncomfortable parts of change—faults, changed relationships, present and past pain—comfort can be found in surrounding yourself with friends or family you trust, a counselor who creates space and a time for you to feel safe, and a pattern of self-care that considers your physical, mental, and social health. 

Often once we leave the cocoon of the past, we can move into a place of discovery about what makes us Unapologetically Dope! If you are that butterfly seeking to strengthen your wings while confronting the discomfort of change, reach out to me, I am here for you!