The Journey Towards Self-Forgiveness

Have you been in the midst of trying to forgive yourself for a mistake and a friend comes along and tells you to just “let it go”? 

I wish it was that easy to put down the burden and move on, but more likely, deeper healing needs to occur. Carrying around guilt and shame can feel like the weight of the world is on your shoulders with nowhere to lay down that load. 

Many people find it easier to forgive someone else for a mistake than to forgive themselves. 

You might be experiencing painful rumination on what could have happened as a result of your mistake or even dealing with thoughts of self-loathing. This can happen from small grievances like being worried about how something you said was perceived, to feeling as though your actions are unforgivable.  

Self-forgiveness is possible but often requires a deep dive into the self. 

Guilt Versus Shame

Why is it so hard for us to forgive ourselves? One way to explore this is to build a distinction between guilt and shame. In short, guilt could be viewed as “I did a bad thing”; whereas, shame means believing the message that “I am bad”. 

This discrepancy of how we view ourselves and our behaviors can largely affect our actions in the future. We can see this play out in our correctional system, in that research demonstrates that inmates who report they feel more guilt than shame are less likely to re-offend. 

Let’s look into how these ways of thinking about our mistakes can differ. 

Guilt - You may be surprised to hear that guilt can actually be a helpful emotional response. Guilt about an event means that you have empathy and an awareness of how your actions can impact others. This can be informative as you begin to repair the situation or learn from it and feel capable of making different choices in the future. 

This allows you to take the needed responsibility for your actions. Without guilt, without ownership of your role, change would be impossible.  

Shame - This way of thinking takes upon unnecessary amounts of responsibility to the point where it can create immobility. Shame is coupled with negative thinking such as “I’m damaged goods”, “I am fundamentally broken”, or “I don’t deserve good things”. These thoughts can lead to self-sabotage, anger outbursts, feelings of depression, and a desire to self-medicate to make it all go away. 

Often there can be a feeling with shame that if you allow yourself to experience forgiveness, then you are losing a part of yourself as well, that you deserve to suffer for what you have done. In this way, self-punishment can become a way of life but makes it incredibly difficult to be able to see yourself as worthy of change. 

Self-Compassion

To move on from shame, you may need to strengthen your own love for yourself. It is easier to forgive the people we love most and that goes for our own forgiveness as well! 

When we grow in love, understanding, and compassion for the person we were when we had made those mistakes, and recognize our error as a symptom of being human, we’ll find shame’s grasp loosening over our lives. 

We are all deserving of forgiveness no matter the wrongdoing, perceived or actual. 

Kristin D. Neff, a leading researcher in self-compassion has said, “Rather than managing our self-image so that it is always palatable, self-compassion honors the fact that all human beings have both strengths and weaknesses. It acknowledges the reality that we are imperfect human beings who experience suffering, and are therefore worthy of compassion”. 

We all make mistakes as humans and we will continue to make mistakes. When there is an acceptance for this then there is more space for grace. 

A way to show compassion to yourself is to be willing to look at what may have led you to act that way in the past: What was the larger context of your life at the time? Were you dealing with unresolved trauma? Did you not know the consequences? Were you having a stressful day? 

Acknowledging these stressors can build care for yourself that you are not a perfect human and do not need to be held to that standard. These are not excuses for what transpired, but surrounding factors that need to be addressed to create change and healing. 

Making Steps for Change

Instead of ‘letting go’ you could ‘lean in’ and build awareness into the situation and your inner voice to better address what the root of the concern is. 

Here are some ways to create times of reflection: 

• Journaling can be a freeing way to surrender the spiraling thoughts that may be inside. Writing can also provide an avenue to organize your thoughts and understand more about what happened. 

• Addressing unhelpful thought patterns can impact behavior. What is your inner voice telling you? Is there a critical or defeated story occurring? Building up thoughts of self-compassion can help and counseling is a great place to look into this. 

• What would you change? Thinking through what you would have done differently can help learn what can be different in the future and can help remind yourself that you are already a different person than the past. 

• Making amends might be a potential option if the other person is a safe person to talk to. Being able to share your apology in a way that repairs the relationship can provide a new start. 

Being Willing to Grow

Mistakes will continue, as we are not perfect. It is how you handle these mistakes that makes all the difference. The cycle of self-punishment stifles growth and then you remain in the same place. 

But, there can be amazing gains for those who are willing to grow and forgive themselves. 

We must remember, however, that growth is often painful and requires acknowledgment of the challenges we face, and the adaptation of new tools to overcome it. Of course, this is a much easier process when you have the support of a trusted therapist walking you through it. 

Let’s set up an appointment today. I’m ready to stand alongside you as you look inward and overcome what’s held you back in the past.