Boundary: A Shield Not A Divide
The conversation of boundaries is one that spans across several aspects of life: relationships, physical health, mental health, emotional wellbeing, social life, and many more. Boundaries keep us safe and protect us.
One of the most common ways we think of them is like the “rules” for social engagement that help us and others know how to interact with one another in ways that feel comfortable. Boundaries are also our internal guideposts that help us make decisions throughout our daily lives. They are the rules we enact to keep ourselves aligned with the values we ascribe to.
Defining Boundaries
To set appropriate boundaries, it helps first to define what a boundary is, and how to think about them. Once defined, we can better understand how to use boundaries in our lives to help us thrive and live the lives we want to live.
The Temptation to Build Walls
One way to visualize a boundary is as a wall: a well-defined structure that divides.
By definition, walls are built to protect by:
1. Dividing between “us” and “them”; or “ours” and “theirs”
2. Blocking our vision and interaction
Walls divide and maintain order, and we build them both to protect and keep us in place. It is often in the moments when we have been hurt or have been through some sort of difficult life experience when we are most tempted to construct these walls. Often we build them up, claiming that they’re for our own good, not realizing what we’re missing out on.
It’s from our fear of our own vulnerability where beliefs like “I can only rely on myself” or “I can’t trust other people” take root and we develop our “rules” or “plan of action” to keep us safe. Whether this involves keeping all of our thoughts and feelings locked up inside or cutting ourselves off from certain people entirely, our ultimate aim is to avoid being hurt again.
It makes sense why we would want to put up walls in these moments when we have been hurt, however, this solution we’ve created is permanent when it need not be, and doesn’t allow us to learn, grow, or adapt.
When we construct boundaries in our lives as permanent walls, we are choosing to close ourselves off. In doing so, we only create division and isolation. We separate ourselves both from the good and the bad, and often it ends with us feeling more broken and lonely and alone. On one hand, we protect ourselves at our most vulnerable, but on the other hand, we miss out on the creativity, connection, and community that we would find when we have the bravery to let others see behind our carefully constructed walls.
In building walls to hide behind, we have created something immovable, something inflexible, something that does not allow for movement out or movement in. What this means is that a wall does not serve the actual purpose of a boundary. A true boundary defines ways to structure our lives so we can move forward and can allow others in, while still honoring our very real need for self-protection.
Take Up Your Shield
A secondary, and better way of thinking about our boundaries is as a shield that moves with you. As you grow in character, understanding, and aspirations, your boundaries should stay with you and move forward as you do. Similarly, as we venture throughout life, we can wield our shield to protect us from what’s hurt us in the past while still allowing ourselves to change and grow from it. We can use our shield as a guide to inform our future actions, but we are capable of adjusting as we go.
We have the option to choose both the type of shield to pick up and who or what we will fight to defend. In the same way, when you set boundaries you are choosing what kind of boundary you need, and who or what will be allowed within that boundary. Boundaries provide ways for you to safely interact with yourself and others without limiting you from the possibilities for growth.
Healthy boundaries may also flow from moments when you have felt hurt in the past, as we do not need to continue to allow others unlimited access to our hearts. The important difference is that we are not creating “one size fits all” rules for interacting with others. Rather, we’re allowing ourselves the freedom to make decisions on a case by case basis that are informed by taking the time to deeply get to know our own comfort level.
With this shield, we can practice revealing more of our truth to those who have earned the right to hear it, and guarding our hearts against those with less pure motives.
Creating Boundaries
Once boundaries are accurately defined, you can begin setting healthy boundaries, or reevaluate where you have made walls instead of boundaries. To reflect on your personal boundaries, consider these vital areas of self that exist for each person: heart, soul, mind, strength (body).
Mark 12:30 speaks of the greatest commandment. How apt that the greatest commandment also clearly defines four distinct areas of growth in each person.
“And you shall love the LORD your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength.”
Creating healthy boundaries within these four parts of yourself is in fact honoring yourself as a creation and the Creator who formed you. By creating boundaries, you can choose how you shield these areas of your life so you can move forward with the capacity to love and help others along your way.
Heart
“Keep your heart with all diligence, for out of it spring the issues of life.” Proverbs 4:23
When creating boundaries for your heart, think of your relationship with yourself and with others. The proverb above validates that your heart is worth protecting because therein you find the wellspring of life. Your heart bears the weight of those things you care most for. Left unshielded, your heart can be broken by unmet expectations, abusive or toxic people, as well as your own perceived shortcomings.
“Keep your heart” by setting boundaries with:
Your own self-talk
Expectations for others and from others
Who you talk about issues of the heart with
How you talk about issues of the heart with others
Soul
The word for soul in Mark 12:30 is also called the “seat of affections and will” or the “breath.” It is what drives and pushes you to discover your purpose and your values, and gives life to the aspirations you develop. Such an integral part of yourself deserves the care of healthy boundaries. The best way to protect your soul is to know it.
To set boundaries for your soul, get to know it by evaluating your:
Spiritual beliefs
Worldview
Values
Protect your soul by creating a boundary with the time you take for yourself. Set time for personal reflection on your soul, and guard that time by communicating this boundary to others.
Mind
Your mind has the amazing capacity for decision and action based on your worldview and what you focus on. There is power in your perspective. Your perspective is a reflection of your history, others whom you’ve allowed close, and the circumstances you find yourself in. Boundaries protect your mind by making choices about what to allow in, and what to shield yourself against.
Protect your mind in:
What you read
What you listen to
How long you consume material each day
Create further boundaries for your mind by telling others when they are not encouraging a healthy mindset.
“Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things.” Philippians 4:8
Strength
In Mark 12:30, the word for strength refers to “power, might, force, ability.” We can also interpret this idea of strength as the literal sense of your body. When you protect and nurture your body, you will find more willpower and motivation to reflect on and care for your heart, soul, and mind.
Physical boundaries include:
Choosing what and how often to eat
Making time for proper sleep
Deciding and acting on exercise that you enjoy
Prioritizing daily time for rest
If it does not motivate you to set boundaries for your heart, mind, and soul, try starting with care for your physical boundaries. As your physical body becomes stronger and well-rested, your mind will clear and you will have more motivation to reflect on creating boundaries for all the integral parts of yourself.
Boundaries are not meant to be permanent and all-encompassing rules for what you will and will not allow. Rather, boundaries are better thought of as helpful guides that empower growth while still allowing you to protect and guard your heart. When you define boundaries as a shield, you are better able to create opportunities for your heart, soul, mind, and strength to grow in healthy relationships with self and others.
When your walls lead you to feel isolated and you can’t seem to overcome that hurdle, it may be time to reach out to a therapist you can trust to guide you through. Schedule a free initial consultation with me today to start your journey building healthy boundaries.
