Why Don't I Trust Myself? A Look at Self-Doubt
There are times in life where it feels like the only person I can count on is myself. Of course, I know this to be untrue, and that I always have my family, friends, and my faith to count on.
It is these moments, however, when my confidence swings the other way that ends up being the most difficult to fight against. These are the days when I’m filled with self-doubt —when I’m afraid that I can’t even count on myself.
Rarely will we make it through life without having a similar experience of self-doubt. For some it’s seasonal: the beginning of a new job or career path, putting yourself out there to meet new people after a move or a break-up, or other meaningful life transitions like getting married, becoming a parent, or becoming a parent to a teenager.
For others, self-doubt creeps in right alongside depression and anxiety and takes hold of your mindset, your motivation, and the pen in your hand as you write the story of your life.
It Is Okay To Question Yourself
Common thoughts of those with self-doubt often reflect an internal narrative focused on comparing oneself to others: Why does everyone else seem to be doing so well when I am struggling so much?
In our culture of today that showcases our accomplishments and our “best selves” online, it’s made it difficult for us to become comfortable with our failures or the “less than ideal” parts of us. We feel pressured to have already learned from our mistakes, and we compare ourselves to the curated versions we see of others online.
Like all other stressors in our life, it is not that we experience self-doubt that is the problem. Rather, it’s what we do with it and how we cope with it that makes the difference between health and unhealth.
Healthy Self-doubt
Like all emotions, some amount of self-doubt can actually be healthy. It exists, after all, to help us recognize we’re not always right and keep us from falling into the trap of our own pride.
With a healthy amount of self-doubt, we are able to question and challenge ourselves as we reflect inward. We are then able to obtain a level of humility that allows us to better relate to others.
Unhealthy Self-doubt
However, it is all too easy for that healthy self-doubt to turn sour, and to become a chronic state of worry, discomfort, and stagnation. When this happens, we often “stand in our own way”. At this point, it’s often our thoughts and fears of failure that keep us from believing in ourselves and having faith that we will be successful when we take action steps to pursue our dreams and goals.
When we lose touch with what makes us special and what drives our passions, we end up lacking the motivation to press on. Our goals feel too far out of reach, and we fear that we’ll lose what we do have, and be “found out” for the distorted image we’ve created of ourselves as “unlovable” “unworthy” or otherwise lacking.
Any small failure or challenge we come up against, we perceive as being further proof of our unworthiness and like a greedy parasite, this self-doubt feeds on your self-esteem, self-worth, and self-efficacy.
How to Break Out of a Cycle of Self-Doubt
1. Stop Comparing
Because comparison is the demon that initially feeds our self-doubt, it is here where we must begin to break out of the cycle. It is helpful to remember that each person is on his or her own journey, and that we only have access to the versions of others that they want us to see.
We too are on our own journey, which is meant to look vastly different than anyone else’s. When we are operating from a place of what feels right to us, with what is in line with our values, we are more likely to find peace and finally silence that inner critic.
2. Focus on the people who matter
This particular piece of advice is two-fold:
First, rather than comparing ourselves to others, the most important person to focus on is a past version of yourself. Do you like the direction your life is headed? Are you becoming a better version of yourself?
Second, who are the main supporting characters in the story of your life? Who are the ones that you look up to and the ones who fill your life with meaning and joy? Theirs are the opinions that matter most.
When you put your energy into improving yourself according to the vision you have for your life, and into “showing up” for those in your life who need you most, you’ll find that you’re less concerned with the opinions of others.
3. Take a Leap of Faith
Too often we get stuck in the process of decision making, constantly deliberating over what is right or wrong (for my Enneagram Type 1’s), how others will perceive us (Type 3) or how our decision affects others (Type 6).
When we’re stuck like this, often the best way to get “unstuck” is to move boldly ahead. To move forward with whatever option brings the most sense of peace, and trust that you will be able to handle the challenges that arise along the way.
Moving away from the idea that one decision is clearly “right” and the other “wrong” is also an important reframe. Neither choice is wrong when you are learning about yourself and what you want out of life.
If you’re struggling with self-doubt, know that you are not alone, that at some point or another, we will all face moments of self-doubt —this is a part of being human. However, when we’re able to shift our focus away from others and towards those who truly matter and take that leap of faith, we may just surprise ourselves.
When your self-doubt leads you to feel anxious and you can’t seem to overcome that hurdle, it may be time to reach out to a therapist you can trust to guide you through. Schedule a free initial consultation with me today to start your journey back to feeling good about yourself.
